An Unexpected Goodbye to My Brother Johnny....

An early morning phone call on Feb 2, 2008 awoke me to the sudden passing of my brother Johnny just a few days after he finally agreed to go to the hospital. With his head cradled in Lorraine’s lap he was comforted throughout the long dark night. I am grateful that his suffering is over, that he did not die alone, that he kept his wit and sense of humour to the end and that his death came quickly, much to the surprise of the Doctors and everyone who loved him.

I am deeply saddened by my final loss of him, though I have been saddened even more by the reflection that he was lost to me most of my life, and in the end I was denied the opportunity to say goodbye and tell him how much he was loved. We had no idea that his cancer had returned. As early as two weeks ago he assured me that he was feeling fine, keeping his weight up and enjoying reading and looking forward to coming to Ontario in the summertime…… when in reality he was in bed in great pain and totally exhausted all the time. In the end he was not able to keep food down for two weeks, and refused to seek medical help or let his family know that he was in this state. I am trying to figure out the reasons for this but whatever they are, it is a great tragedy and I am left with many conflicting emotions.

I am touched by the words of Mother Theresa in her summation of what Life is.

LIFE IS

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

There is more wisdom here than meets the eye. I like to think that Johnny was able to experience this great diversity of life as he passed through the many seasons. I know he saw much beauty in nature and animals and was able to see the funny side of life. He dealt with more sorrow than most and was an honourable man who would stop the car to let a caterpillar cross the road. He was so brave in his time of trial. Johnny leaves behind a wonderful daughter, Karina, who is caring, loving, thoughtful and kind beyond measure.

Since our family is so small and live in different parts of the country, there will be no service or burial until later in the year. My brother Kevin was able to have his own celebration of Johnny’s life around a bonfire on Saturday. I had a rye and ginger ale and a winter sauna in memory of our fun times at Pigeon Lake. He loved grandfather clocks so I turned ours on to chime and offered prayers and lit a candle at church on Sunday. Memories and old tapes play through my mind, over and over as is wont when someone we love dies.

When we heard that Johnny had been hospitalized Kevin and I wrote the following blog articles:

He's My Brother — John William Hickey
http://kevinpammett.blogspot.com/2008/01/hes-my-brother-john-william-hickey.html

Insurer’s have quite a thing going
http://nanciphelan.blogspot.com/2008_01_01_archive.html

After Johnny died Kevin wrote two other lovely blog articles:

Farewell to My Brother "Johnny" — July 1941 - Feb 2008 http://kevinpammett.blogspot.com/2008/02/farewell-to-my-brother-johnny-july-1941.html

The Morning After — Johnny's Spirit Lives On http://kevinpammett.blogspot.com/2008/02/morning-after-johnnys-spirit-lives-on.html

Kevin also made the following wonderful slideshow

http://kevinpammett.blogspot.com/2008/02/treasured-memories-of-uncle-johnny.html

I have made a photo collage to pay tribute to my brother, as he was in various seasons of his life. The naked reality of someone no longer in our lives takes time to heal. The ache will lessen but the hole will always remain. When he found out his diagnosis on Tuesday, he said to Lorraine that he would be seeing his Mom and Gaye again soon…… I pray for the graceful realization of this hope.

I have found great solace in the following Libera songs. Their voices are pure and heavenly as they echo what is in our hearts and touch the divine.

Far Away (click link to hear Libera song on You Tube)

Whereever I go
Far away and anywhere

Time after time you always shine
through dark of night calling after me

And wherever I climb
Far away and anywhere

You raise me high beyond the sky
through stormy night lifting me above

Venite Spiritu et emitte caelittus
Venite Spiritu et emitte caelittus
Venite Spiritu Venite Spiri tus

Whenever I cry
Far away and anywhere

You hear me call when shadows fall
your light of hope showing me the way.

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep (click link to hear Libera song on You Tube)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.

By Mary Frye